Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
