How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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