you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
