Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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