About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
