I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
