I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just want nice things and good sex
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
