i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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