Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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