We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
