I can tuck mytits in my pants
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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