We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
