I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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