I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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