If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
