You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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