I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
