Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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