I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
