wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
