she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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