I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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