if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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