Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
