we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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