i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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