Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
