definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
