i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
