Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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