im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
