i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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