could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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