What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
