You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Drunk is a universal language darling
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
