my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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