Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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