there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
