you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
