The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Don't make out with my wife yet
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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