Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
false alarm, still single
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