Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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