do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
