Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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