he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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