my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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