I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
