Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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