i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
