I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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